Sunday, 19 January 2014

This World (And Sugar) Is Driving Me Crazy!

So I have officially completed 21 days without sugar! And guess what, I lost track of what day it was and thought that day 21 wasn’t until tomorrow, when in fact it was yesterday… I am so glad of that because today I caved and had sugar free pineapple jelly and felt guilty about it, haha! Until I realised I had already completed my challenge (I was also doing no artificial sweeteners). 

Anyway, so where am I at and what have I learnt if anything?

-          Well for starters, I can now eat 85% dark chocolate and it tastes amazing. This coming from a girl who always used to hate dark chocolate and until recently 70% was the highest I could go.
-          Cutting out sugar helped massively with binge eating. There were a few days where I was restless and bored and felt like eating but stuck to fatty/protein snacks and rode it out. Now I realise that my #1 trigger for binge eating is when I am bored/restless. I think the second is when I feel like what I am doing isn’t working and I get frustrated…like today but more on that later. So next time I feel bored/restless I am going to do everything in my power to avoid bingeing because I know that is a vulnerable state for me.
-          I want to continue to eat mostly sugar free but will occasionally have things like super dark chocolate or baked goods using stevia or rice malt syrup because at least they don’t have fructose in them, and only for special occasions where I can share with other people.
-          I actually have pretty good willpower…I have sat through multiple instances of other people eating dessert around me, like last night where everyone got (free!!) frozen yoghurt, and only felt mild jealousy. But I wasn’t going crazy itching to eat it. I think that advertising affects me the most…go away sugar industry!

So today I weighed myself and had gained weight since yesterday (yes I have been weighing myself every day at the moment, I know it is stupid), after a week of a weight plateau, and it really got me down. Because I was so friggin’ healthy yesterday. Only thing I didn’t do was exercise. And I am worried that maybe my thyroid is starting to act up. But WHY?! I don’t eat grains or sugar and I FEEL fine so where am I getting this immune response from?! I suppose it could be because I am still eating dairy but dairy isn’t giving me any symptoms at all…my body seems to cope well with it.

It is so frustrating when I have been working so hard and this morning I ate a cup of (artificially sweetened) pineapple jelly while standing up in the pantry. Like, just wolfing it down. Then for the rest of the day all I could seem to think about was food. I just felt out of control and what was the point. The idea of bingeing on a bunch of cakes seemed soooo good. (But I didn’t, luckily. I did eat another cup of jelly though and a square of sugar free chocolate which was gross.)

When I got home I looked through a paleo cookbook which has so many recipes for baked treats and I felt so anxious! I just wanted to try them all but I didn’t know what to choose and I was worried that it would get me binge eating if I started baking again. I mean, having so many choices overwhelmed me. So weird. And I was in such a bad mood this afternoon, so grumpy and snapping at everyone. I don’t know why – whether it was the pineapple jelly from the morning or just the anxiety…

I decided to make mini baked cheesecakes because I had made these sugar-free chocolate-nut-coconut bars the other day and they were not sweet enough for me. So I figured I could use them as the base for the cheesecake because the sweetness in the cheese part would be enough. I used stevia to sweeten the cream cheese and then I swirled through 2 teaspoons of strawberry jam. So not very fructose-y right? I am excited to try them.

Anyway now my erratic/grumpy/anxious mood is mostly over (writing this has been clarifying) and I realise that having a binge would be a really unhelpful idea and I do not want to be stuck in sugar addiction again. I’d rather live without sugary things than eat them but be unhappy. That’s the key thing, isn’t it? See when I eat sugar, it isn’t in moderation. I just can’t control myself. And that always makes me unhappy and sick.

So this week I have a few goals – to walk for at least 45 minutes every day, to have probiotics and vitamin d supplements every day, and to NOT BLOODY WEIGH MYSELF.