The Difference Between Binge Eating and Normal Non-Hungry Eating

It's been almost a week since I "quit" binge eating and I am reminding myself often that the first 3 weeks are the hardest! But, it hasn't been as hard as I always thought it would be (before I discovered "Brain Over Binge", I posted about how I just had to accept that recovering from BED would be really hard!) Don't get me wrong, there have been some tough moments - such as when  in the middle of making white chocolate mousse and it seemed like every fiber of me was yelling to eat the leftover white chocolate (Cadbury Dream, mmmm). For me, the hardest part has been figuring out what urges are "neurological junk" from the lower brain, not really me, and what is just normal day-to-day cravings and "non-hungry eating". I now firmly believe that they are two separate issues, albeit both important to tackle.

The thing is, I am wary at the moment of giving in to urges from the "lower brain" so I have been a bit scared to overeat or do any eating that wasn't pre-planned. But life isn't always pre-planned and you never know when someone is going to offer you a chocolate at work or when you go to someone's house and they offer you some biscuits with tea, or whatever. It's natural to accept those little indulgences here and there, unless they are happening a LOT. I want to live my life with full appreciation and enjoyment of food and not be so strict (except with grains and gluten of course). So I thought I would make myself a little list separating what constitutes each type of overeating.

Binge Eating Examples:
- Stopping at Coles on the way home from work to buy a block of chocolate and a pack of gluten free biscuits, then proceeding to eat them all on my bed and drink cups of coffee to wash it all down, while I zone out watching movies.
- Going to the movies with friends and buying a whole block of chocolate to eat in the cinema and eating most of it myself and being reluctant to share much of it.
- Being preoccupied about when I can next eat something sweet. If I'm at a friend's house, thinking only about how much chocolate or biscuits I can have without seeming like a pig. Planning to buy more on the way home.
- Planning to have a night in eating chocolate, then getting a call from my boyfriend asking if I want to come over, and being disappointed that I can't spend the night eating chocolate. Planning to buy it on the way there and eat it before I get there without him knowing.
- Making a batch of biscuits or cakes, intending to share them, but then eating most of them myself or even eating the whole batch myself, and then cleaning up all the utensils so no one knows I have made them.
- Planning to be really good and not eat any sugary treats, then having one, and thinking "Oh I've screwed it up now" and going on a binge because I can start again tomorrow.
- Buying a block of chocolate intended to have a little bit each day, then eating the whole thing in one day.
- When I was in high school, walking via the supermarket on the way home and buying a packet of muesli bars for me to have for morning teas that week, then getting home and eating them all.

Non-Hungry Eating Examples:
- Having second helpings of a delicious dessert at a family gathering or a party.
- Going to the movies with some friends, and getting sweets to share or just a single chocolate bar for myself (as opposed to a whole block!)
- Eating a couple of biscuits when offered them at my boyfriend's place when his stepmum makes me tea.
- Licking the spoon while making cake.
- Feeling overfull after Christmas lunch.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. The point is, the second group of examples are normal things to happen, and unless they become extremely regular occurrences, then I don't think they would come in the way of a healthy diet. For the most part, trying to eat slowly and savour your food, and asking yourself what you really feel like, are all ways that you can ensure that you don't do much non-hungry eating. Most of all, remembering that you don't have to feel guilty for indulging now and again is very important.

Today I had a big family lunch, and I had two slices of this delicious white chocolate mousse cake, but I think it is balanced out because I didn't overeat the main meal, and I didn't have much of the pre-lunch nibblies because I wanted to save room for the cake. It's around about dinner time and I'm not hungry yet, I just had a mandarin before because that is what I felt like. If I get hungry later, I will have something but for now I am content to just let my tummy do its thing and digest :)

As Kathryn, the author of "Brain Over Binge" suggests, setting a limit before your non-hungry eating is a good idea. For example, when my boyfriend's stepmum offered me those biscuits I decided that two would be a good amount and I stuck with it. Predictably, urges to keep eating came after that but I knew that they were to be ignored and it was fine.

A New Perspective on Binge Eating Disorder: Part 1. Now I can cook with freedom and enjoy chocolate again!

I've said previously that if you were to look through all my blog posts you might be confused as to where I stand - i.e. how I think it is best to view diets and how I think it is best to tackle Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Well now I believe I have reached a turning point and once and for all, everything is clear to me and everything makes sense. I can say with a lot of confidence that I have quit BED (because I now believe that it is an addiction, or at least a very bad habit formed over many years). It has only been 4 days since I quit, which you might not think is much, but with my new found skills and new way to look at things, I am never going back.

On Monday I had pledged to myself that it was (another) new start and that I would not binge anymore, I would eat with awareness and be healthy and eat Paleo foods. But when I got home from work at 1pm, I found myself making chocolate souffle and eating it all myself, eating the rest of the cooking chocolate I was using, and making myself a hash brown, and then making myself fried potato chips. After all that I was so full that I didn't even end up having much for dinner, and afterwards in my usual post-binge phase of trying to motivate myself again and say "I'll start again tomorrow," I was browsing through before and after weight loss stories. I stumbled upon one and was struck by the title "How I recovered from Binge Eating Disorder," so I went and read that and was intrigued. It all seemed to make sense to me straight away and explained why all the different types of "therapy" I had tried before had ultimately not worked. I straight away bought the book she recommended ("Brain over Binge") and spent the next 2 days with my head stuck in it!

It is all explained a lot better by them but basically, discovering that my BED, originally started due to restrictive dieting, was now actually an addictive habit, really helped me to see things in a new light. Once I realised that the urges to binge were just thrown out by my "lower" brain due to neural pathways formed, and had no actual control over my voluntary motor movements, I was able to recognise them and learn to dismiss them and not act on them. There is a lot more to it than that but you will have to read the book.

My urges come in many shapes and forms. They can be very sneaky thoughts like "Oh that slice you made is so nice, it's a shame you can't just keep eating it to your heart's content," "Now you know what to do with this method you could just binge now and start again tomorrow," "Oh look there's a mandarin beside your desk, why don't you just eat it." The urges try to make me feel deprived or like I am missing out - when I am clearly not. I just had some dark chocolate after dinner. I have been enjoying bits of my slice I made over the past 2 days. I had a couple of shortbread biscuits yesterday with tea.

When an urge comes up and is a bit more persistent than usual, I actually visualise myself standing on a shore looking out on a wave crashing in the ocean. The wave is the urge in my mind. I am watching it calmly from ashore but not engaging it or trying to surf it - because I know it will just end up dumping me! I have found that whenever I engage with the thoughts and try to reason with them or debate with them, it is more of a struggle. But when I just ignore the urges, they pass a lot more easily.

I also think of each time that I ignore an urge as an opportunity to rewire my brain and weaken the connection between an urge and a binge.

The thing is, although I know that ultimately, the principles of "If not dieting, then what?", "French Women Don't Get Fat," and all the other mindfulness based techniques did not get me to stop binge eating, those techniques are helping me a lot now. Sometimes I struggle to tell the difference between an urge to eat that's originating from my lower brain, and an urge to eat that's originating from hunger or an innocent craving. But then I just try to listen to my body, pay attention to the hunger and fullness signals, and eat mindfully so I know when I have had enough.

At the moment I am quit wary of overeating because I don't want my brain to think of it as a binge, if that makes sense. I don't want my bad habit to be reinforced ANY more. After dinner tonight I had some dark chocolate and I actually broke myself of 6 squares. But as I was eating it I couldn't tell if I was really enjoying it and if I was just eating it for the sake of it. So I stopped and saved 3 squares for later. The fact that I have the will to do that now is simply amazing to me. (Or maybe it's just the fact that it's Nestle brand, haha. Nowhere near as good as Cadbury or Lindt!)

When I am going to have some sort of treat food, I find it helpful to decide prior to the first bite how much I will have. For example, yesterday when my boyfriend's step mum offered some shortbread biscuits with tea (and she had got them for me especially), I decided to have two. I warned myself that my lower brain would probably throw out some urges to keep eating and try to make me feel sad that I couldn't. Those urges did come, but I was ready and as a result I was a lot quicker to dismiss them.

Anyway, I have probably written enough for now but I am super happy now that I can do all the baking I want without fear that I will eat all of it myself! So expect more baking adventures!

Time to Get Real - This Takes Hard Work

It's been a while since I have written anything here, and for the sake of keeping it real I will tell you that the ol' binge eating disorder came back to haunt me. After so many months of evading it (and sure I did binge a little from time to time over the past year but no big deal) it came back in a big way. Why? Well, maybe it was after so many months of being quite strict, and I also found the autoimmune elimination diet very hard, and I just went a little crazy. Like everything I had learnt about eating awareness went flying out the window. I am still a big believe in paleo of course, and try to eat that way as much as possible, but binge eating knows no reason. Well, it does, but when you're in the midst of a binge nothing matters because it can all be put off to that faraway, mythical land of "tomorrow" or "Monday".

I am fighting my way back at the moment and just trying to incorporate everything I have learned - paleo, eating with awareness, the advice from "French Women Don't Get Fat", etc - but ultimately trying to remember that:

This takes hard work.

Recovering from any sort of eating disorder is not easy, and in the end I think you just have to stick it out because diligence is the only thing that will get you there. I'm not saying that your whole life has to be an effort, every bite of food takes self control, or something like that. For the most part, eating with awareness and eating real, natural food and lovely dark chocolate is quite enjoyable. But when those tougher times come, when you get the urge to binge when you're not hungry or you're feeling stressed or down, that's when you need to put in the effort. To sit with those uncomfortable feelings and maybe do something else nurturing for yourself, whatever you choose that to be, until the urge passes. That is a lot easier said than done and trust me I have been there, many times. When you're in the midst of an urge to binge, it feels like the worst thing ever to not have that food. But soon it passes, if you can just withstand those tortuous moments.

I know, first world problems, right. But constantly going through a mental battle with yourself is not easy. You know, this truly is a mental problem. And first off you just have to accept that there will be some tough times; and that the payoff for withstanding those times is great!

Anyway, another thing I am doing at the moment is just trying to fit in any incidental exercise wherever I can. So far I have been parking my car further away from where I work so I can walk further. I have also been running up and down the stairs while I brush my teeth, which trust me, is a real work out.

I am really going to make an effort to write more on here, not just in the good times, when I am feeling motivated and when everything comes easy. I have to write about the tougher times too because otherwise it really isn't going to help anyone.

For the times when it isn't easy...

Most days I am glad to say that following this lifestyle is easy and I’m so grateful that I have found a way to help myself that doesn't involve drugs or therapy. Most days I appreciate all the amazing food I can cook and eat and how it makes me feel so well and healthy.

BUT…some days, the fact that I can’t just eat a double-coated Tim Tam whenever I want really gets me down. It can be a number of different things that sets it off – seeing an advertisement, smelling the fresh, warm cookies being baked at Mrs Field’s, even just the scent of vanilla can do it. Or the fact that I’m having a shitty, blah day. I remind myself that eating that Tim Tam will not only lead to eating the whole pack and starting a cascading binge, it will also give me heartburn and bloating and who knows what other digestive upsets – not to mention affecting my thyroid. So that’s why I don’t eat the Tim Tam. But SOMEDAYS – you know those days right? Everything just feels pointless and meaningless and too hard and I hate the fact that I can’t just be normal.

Thankfully, those days are usually few and far between and I’m so glad that most of the time anymore I don’t suffer the symptoms of binge eating disorder. But those bad days come along sometimes and the most important thing is that we acknowledge that they are happening, and that it is just a phase and will hopefully only last for a day or so. So if we can get through them, without bingeing, there is even more chance that we will feel better soon. Then again, even if I do end up caving and binge eating, I am a lot more equipped these days to get myself back up on my feet sooner and to deal with what is happening. It’s not the end of the world, anyway. The important thing is that we never give up and we just keep trying.